People Pleasing - just being nice or toxic trait?

People pleasing is coming up a lot at the moment and that's no surprise because it’s something a lot of us do, or have a tendency towards. With its roots in the need to belong it can be seen as little more than over extending and being nice.  

Sometimes people wear the badge with pride, ‘oh that's just me people pleasing’ it’s said in such a way to convey a gentleness and safety. Other times it's said with guilt or shame ‘I know I am a people pleaser but,’ like they have done something wrong and feel a need to justify and defend.  

But is it really that harmless? 

Well to start with people pleasing strikes me as a very misleading term. As it's not really about pleasing others, it's about protecting ourselves, keeping ourselves safe. Which is very important but in healthy relationships we don't need to protect ourselves from the other person. So in these relationships, is people pleasing more like narcissism than altruism?

Now that can be a bitter pill to swallow but hear me out. 

When we agree to something we don't really believe or when we say something is fine when it’s really not. We are often doing so, because we think it's what the other person wants to hear. 

Not saying something because we tell ourselves that the other won't like it, they will get upset, or they will think badly of us. This lack of openness and honesty, about what we really feel, think or believe, brings with it a lack of connection. 

We tell ourselves we cant speak up because ‘they’ wouldn't understand or may become unhappy, so we take the high ground and do something to please. We make the other person the baddie and ourselves the good one.    

It’s easy to see this if we turn it around and imagine ourselves in the position of the person being on the receiving end of pleasing people. How comfortable do we feel thinking that a friend, loved one or even colleague is behaving in a way just to please us. Can we really then trust what that person says, do we feel comfortable knowing they are telling us what they think we want to hear? If the answer is no, then why would we do it to others. Turning it around like this we can see how people pleasing isn't about being kind but a toxic trait that builds uncertainty, unclear communication and even mistrust.     

We are in effect trying to control that other person. Even trying to please is a form of control. 

Now I am not talking about being rude and offensive or speaking our truth when it may not be safe or appropriate to do so.

I am talking about when a friend asks us if we mind swapping or changing a plan. I’m talking about when we tell ourselves that we can't express our dislike or preference. I’m talking about us telling ourselves that we can't tell a loved one when we are upset or angry because we don't want them to react or think badly of us. 

It could be that we continue to laugh at the ‘joke’ that actually hurts our feelings as we fear the other might think we are a ‘killjoy’ if we say anything so we suffer in silence. It is about not telling our friend that their constant lateness affects us, that we do mind our colleague never pays us back for the coffees, it can be the little stuff and the big stuff.

We might tell ourselves that our friend won't like us if we say that we can't afford to go on a trip for their birthday. So we overspend to please them, but would that really be what they want? 

People pleasing builds resentment towards others without them even having a chance to be different. We decide that they wouldn't understand or might not like us, we fear rejection. 

Again it's not about being inflexible or not being able to make a compromise, it's about consciously doing so. It’s about connection and conversation. It’s about self expression and vulnerability. This builds trust rather than rejection, having space for our own and the others hurt. 

People pleasing can lead to acting in ways that are not really in line with who we are because we want others to like us and to feel positive about us.  

Our need to be liked can see us trying to control the situation and the other person's perception, thoughts and feelings towards us. 

We think we know what is best for others or what others want. I will do this because if I dont my friend will get upset, angry or sad. I will say this because then my friend will like me, be happy or agree with me.  

When we go into the fantasy of, If I say or do this they will think this about me, it may be based in reality, maybe they or someone else reached in that way before. Yet it's still fantasy if it hasn't happened. 

Cutting off the potential for change, for dialogue. It also cuts off our true self, our desire, thoughts, feelings and needs.  

It's about us controlling or trying to control what others think about us. Its a way of thinking about ourselves without thinking about ourselves. 

So why is people pleasing so common?  

Well I don't think it’s because we are all evil narcissists.

Maybe it's because we are not very good at acknowledging our needs and even worse at voicing them. Maybe we have seen others around us being self sacrificing, maybe they even prided themselves on this. Maybe voicing our thoughts, feelings or needs feels too vulnerable and unsafe for us. 

We may not be comfortable with our own or others' hurt. Many of us are uncomfortable with our own or others' tears. Especially if we have been taught to ‘stop crying’, ‘stop fussing', ‘don't be so sensitive’. If we have received a lot of messages that our feelings are wrong or inconvenient then we have been taught to ignore our feelings for the sake of others.  

We all need to belong and the fear of rejection is real but if we are not expressing ourselves we have already been rejected, by ourselves.    

So what to do about breaking the people pleasing pattern?

Firstly notice, listen out for self censoring and where you tell yourself you must conform to others wishes. 

Start small, where it feels safe to do so, voice what you want to voice. Pick something that may feel a little edgy but not overwhelming. Maybe when that friend that's always late says sorry rather than just saying ‘its ok don’t worry about it’. You could say ‘it’s ok and you do know that you always being so late leads to me feeling stressed, as I worry we might miss the film/ train/show’. 

As is often the case it comes down to having open and honest conversations. Surrounding ourselves with others that also want to have these conversations.